Notebook November, Day: 4

Do you often derive validation or affirmation from others? In what ways?

Do you often derive validation or affirmation from others? In what ways?

Eli will never know how timely this post was.

I am constantly looking for validation, really in any way I can.

Good grades do nothing for me if the professor has not written positive feedback as well. My favorite Bible verses are the ones about how much God loves me. I’m pretty sure I worked as a DJ in college just so that I could get compliments on my music taste. It would be impossible for me to go a week without asking my loved ones: Am I a good roommate, friend, daughter, sister, etc.?

I differentiate my need for validation with my need for attention. I like to be recognized for my talents, yes, but not necessarily in large displays. A one-on-one conversation does the trick for me.

However, selfishly sounding or not, I do need affirmation. If I do not get validation naturally, I am quick to find it. Usually by asking prompting questions. Here are two examples:

“What do you think of this outfit?” Tell me that this outfit looks okay and that you think I may have one fashionable bone in my body.

“Do you think I am a good roommate?” Please tell me how I am one of your favorite roommates and that you do not think I am an evil, selfish person.

Maybe this is manipulative. Maybe this makes me a bad person; I’m not sure. My gut is telling me that a desire for validation is only human. I do not think that makes me selfish.

When I ask people for their opinions, I am genuinely asking for their opinion and advice. I would only ask if I cared about their perspective. However, when I go into my bosses office with a status report to ask her opinion, of course, I am just secretly hoping she would say, “Claire, this is perfect! I think you are a wonderful, smart employee.”

The trouble with this validation is that it is almost like short-term dopamine hits. When someone gives me a kernel of affirmation, I hold onto it so tightly that it escapes quickly, almost as if I was gripping sand. Then I pick up the next handful of sand until that quickly runs out too.

It’s a never-ending cycle for me. I am always awaiting the next hit of validation.

Yes, dear reader, I am on medication. I am aware of how unhealthy this may sound. I never claimed to be secure.

This month, I have been working on holding onto validation. Yes, maybe the root of my problem is the amount I crave it, but step one is craving it less.

When someone gives me a complement or some sort of reassurance, I try to write it down in my notes. When I am anxious later, which I know I will inevitably be, I can remind myself that if someone said I was a good roommate two weeks ago, they probably still mean it.

Yes, in a perfect life I would be completely removed from it, but that’s not my reality. It probably never will be. But I can at least lower my dependence.

In what ways do I validate myself? How can I incorporate more of this into other areas of my life?

One of my 2025 goals was to get to know myself better. I have been doing frequent inventories of myself: what are my favorite things, what are my most common triggers, what am I good at, how do I feel most loved, etc.

I am getting to know myself better, and I think since doing that, I have been able to validate myself much better. How can I give myself compliments if I do not know what my talents are? Now that I do, the self-compliments come often. I know I am good at certain things, and I am quick to tell myself that.

However, what I struggle with is recognizing how important my own opinion is. Yes, I know that I have great hair. However, my own statement doesn’t mean much to me. I only really feel an emotional uptick when someone ELSE tells me. Again, I’m working on it.

To Do:

• Give myself three unique compliments every day (one personality based, one physically based, and one talents based)

• Remember to write down compliments from others